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What was at first assumed to be a 5.1 earthquake this afternoon was later revealed to be the result of Star Wars fanboys scurrying up from their parents' basements en masse to check the couch cushions for spare change.

The source of this nationwide stampede? The RealDoll Corporation's announcement that they are releasing a Natalie Portman model. In addition to the standard lifelike orifices, the Portman edition will come equipped with Princess Padmé vibrating jelly rings. When activated, the rings provide...

Wait, what? That actually is Natalie Portman? At the after-party for the London premiere of The Other Boleyn Girl?

Did someone shoot her up with a ketamine-and-embalming fluid cocktail?

No worries, Nat; the expressionless face and vaguely waxen appearance may not be ushering in an exciting new development in sex-toy technology, but you'll always be a doll to us.

Haylie Duff was blowing ... out some candles, we presume, at her 23rd birthday party, held at Hollywood's renowned Hyde Lounge.

Little sis Hilary may have a larger share of the spotlight, but the 7th Heaven regular was looking pretty big--well, parts of her, anyway--in a form-flattering black dress.

Haylie's BF, Nick (Why Can't I Be You?) Zano, looked pretty stunning too, with his amazing, gravity-defying faux-hawk. It's amazing that he can hold his head up, considering how much product must go into keeping that thing afloat. Then again, we suspect that there's not much else weighing that melon down.

The big 2-3 is apparently a pretty major milestone for Haylie; she was later seen at yet another self-celebration at Los Angeles steakhouse STK. Go Haylie, go Haylie!

Fresh from this weekend's visit to KFC, rebounding rehab queen Amy Winehouse performed at a slightly larger venue last night: the Jazz After Dark club in London, capacity 50.

A profound case of post-scandal downsizing? No; Winehouse played an intimate warm-up gig for tonight's Brit Awards. Amy is scheduled to perform "Valerie" with producer Mark Ronson at the ceremony.

"She's full of energy, full of life," noted Zalon Thompson, Amy's backing singer, of the performance. "I think sometimes [you have to overcome] certain hard things to go on to do better things."

Afterward, Ronson accompanied Winehouse back to her hotel. We trust that he saw her back without incident, and that any substances that were ingested were no stronger than a bucket of Extra Crispy.

Know what?  We like you, Naomi Watts.  We like that you realize people want to see beautiful you, with your beautiful baby, and that hiding him under blanket and/or Spiderman mask is not just futile, but ridiculous.

We realize that going green is the cause du jour for much of Hollywood, but big ups to Alicia Silverstone for going the extra mile--in an environmentally friendly limousine, no less.

The Clueless star was seen yesterday arriving at Los Angeles International Airport, where she was whisked away by Ecolimo, a planet-friendly chauffeur service.

According to Ecolimo's Web site, the business minimizes environmental impact via "the utilization of fuel-efficient and alternative fuel vehicles."

Dang; and here we were hoping that their fleet consisted of a ricksha pulled by Al Gore.

Alicia's choice of transportation is consistent with her animal-rights record; the actress has been a vegan since 1998.

From the looks of her unadorned face, it looks like she's also currently protesting animal cruelty in cosmetic products.

Wow, girl; when you pick a course of action, you really go all the way!

Lindsay Lohan showed up to Los Angeles International Airport today in her usual uniform of black leggings and boots.  Lady Lohan, accompanied by gal pal DJ Samantha Ronson, seemed unprepared to be greeted by cameras because smiling was, apparently, out of the question.